Arnprior Apparently Solves Everything, Declares War on Grass

A recent and riveting article from the local-issues columnist Kelly Egan at the Ottawa Citizen told the tale of Arnprior’s new mayor, Walter Stack, and his war against tall grass. Stack, apparently so gifted that in his first term as mayor he has already completely solved Arnprior’s problems with climate change and homelessness, moved on to the next most urgent problem currently plaguing the small town: lazy residents who don’t mow their lawn enough.

The residents of Arnprior surely know better than anyone else that other recent reporting on, for example, the impact of the opioid crisis is overblown sensationalist click bait by starving reporters who want to steal reader attention by publishing unimportant nonsense. Of course, the opioid crisis has also been expertly resolved by Stack, who surely could never be so tone deaf to the issues of ordinary people that he would ignore preventable drug related deaths, before making the bold and impressive decision to take Arnprior residents to task for neglecting to properly style their suburban mansions.

Stack feels that failing to keep a neatly trimmed lawn shows disrespect to neighbours and the broader community, and he could not be more correct. Who among us has not once noticed with shame their own lawn growing somewhat wild, only to remark inwardly “fuck the neighbours” and go inside? Such vicious tendencies, left unchecked, pose an existential threat to the community solidarity that defines small towns. As Egan helpfully points out, “Imagine the inside of the house, one has to think, IF THEY LEAVE THE LAWN LIKE THAT?” Indeed.

According to Egan, culprits who fail to obey Stack’s lenient but firm commandment to manicure their grass appropriately are liable to be fined $200 daily, up to $10,000 in addition to the bill for having their lawns professionally attended to, because if they don’t cut their own grass, well damn it the mayor will just have to take care of it himself. It really is an act of charity on the part of Walter Stack, who, one has to assume, has also eradicated poverty prior to launching this offensive on unsightly dandelions.

While one person on the Town of Arnprior facebook page suggested that some residents may not cut their lawns frequently because they may work overtime hours, could be chronically sick or disabled, or busy raising kids on a single parent income under the poverty line, that person was obviously fucking lying. After all, how could Stack sleep at night knowing he had so profoundly misunderstood the ethical priority of addressing fundamental systemic injustices in his community before moving on to tackle the issue of cleaning up superficial markers of status and wealth generally reserved for the most privileged people in a society?

Only in a town like Arnprior, where climate change, homelessness, illness and poverty have all been solved, can we finally get back to the simple joys of life, like making all of our yards look exactly the same, and silently judging each others’ character based on the assumption that blind conformity is what makes us truly human. And when that doesn’t work, calling bylaw on our neighbours. God bless Walter Stack.

As Stack embarks on this heroic mission, one has to imagine he is ever grateful that he doesn’t live in one of those backward hippie commune towns where people are actually tearing up their lawn to grow vegetables and fruits and flowers, so that they can… I don’t know, eat them I guess. These neanderthals believe that they can help fight the growing climate crisis by reducing energy and water consumption and replacing it with organic, sustainable gardens that give residents fresh produce and provide food and habitat for pollinators and other wildlife.

It sounds like a sweet deal at first, but the trade off? No grass! Or maybe, like, just one little strip of it. Not even enough grass to mow. You might as well just replace it with clover. Can you imagine? Clover! How uncivilized.

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